Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel: Speak to me in French

Recently, I have been struggling with life. #lifehappens

I recently heard about a podcast: Where Should We Begin? by Ester Perel.

I started listening to the episodes and this is what I've gotten from this episode:

Any time I tried to have sex with him, I feel like I'm forcing myself.

Sex is hard. There are so many hang-ups and expectations that are associated with the idea of sex. 

A different story, breeds hope, give a sense of possibility. You need a new perspective or else; it has no movement and that just increases your hopelessness. 

Talking about the same topic over and over with no resolution doesn't help. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. In addition, each time the topic is brought up, there is less and less progress or discussion and more and more complaints and frustration talking. "We talked about this before and we're getting no where"; "Not this discussion again"

Blindfold - hear but not react to visual.

Often we react to visual cue more than the words. Communication is 90+ % nonverbal. It makes a difference when you are talking to someone, when you can't react to their body language. You have to listen to what they are saying and take it at mostly face value. You can't make assumptions based on their body language. 

Roleplay - don't need to understand the words, just sense the energy.

Sometimes you don't need words, just feeling part of the moment/action is enough.

Roleplay - part of you, if you can play him, he is part of you.

Roles/Toons/Characters, they are not a divided you, they are a part of you as a whole.

If at any time it stops feeling like play, we stop.

I want the role to talk to me but, I want safe, familiar hubby to hold me while the role participates.

I want different, sexy, outside the normal who we are but I don't want it all the time. I want to have a safe space to explore a more fun side of me.

When you are acting your role, you grip my hand differently.

When the role is part of you, who you are, you react based on the character. You meet the expectation of the goal, including changing speech and/or body language.

"I always wanted to have that for you, you can be in charge so I don't have to be"

It's hard, especially when you are a take charge person or strongly independent to depend on others, but it is especially enticing. Being the responsible one all the time is exhausting for some people. While I relish being competent, I don't necessarily want to be in charge. However, it is hard to trust and follow people who are not reliable. If I can't trust you to do the right thing, I can't follow your lead. 

"I became part of the movement because it was a place of safety...a source of friends"

When you are outside of what is considered "normal", validation is everything. Being different is hard and when you suffer from trauma related to that, validation is necessary. "I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I have overcome the sin, the stain, the humiliations, etc. It doesn't run my life anymore". But a part of it will always leave its mark on you. Scars heal but they don't disappear. 

"You Good, Role Bad"

I think for me, it is more backwards. "Me bad, Role good" or more particularly, "Me weak, Role strong". When it's me (trying to have sex) and I'm not in the right headspace, it's hard. It's awkward. When I can change into a role or different headspace, I can freely accept what is happening. I'm powerful not giving in for the sake of peace or guilt or to avoid the argument/nagging.

Part of why the girls like the "bad boys" is because they can take care of themselves perfectly well, thank you, frees her from having to be responsible or take care of him. 

While I love taking care of people, so much of my life is centered around taking care of people. I want a partner who can take care of me, take care of things when I can't. If I want to be weak or take a break or just be me (a person) and not be mom, wife, etc. (a title), the world won't fall apart in my absence. I can have a weak moment and not feel guilty because I know the ones I love are still being cared for.

"I'm too much, you can't handle me" - Not a him issue, that is a you issue that you've transferred on him. 

If I act more "me" around more than just my inner circle, they look at me like "who are you? and what did you do with the person who we knew?" It makes it hard to trust in others and depend on others when you can't be who you are or can only be part of who you are. 

People tend to get stuck in their roles, their own view "how I see us". Long time couples can often answer for their partner. They already know what is going to be said.

It's too easy to say, "I'm not going to ask because I already know what you are going to say" especially if you have been together for a long time. This inhibits growth and makes it hard to move forward on some topics, especially ones you have talked about before and if you didn't get the response you wanted when it was approached previously.

"Can you not care...? Dance with me anyway." Can you love me for who I am? The parts of me that are not "normal", this is what I want you to love about me, I don't you to punish me for them or want to change them about me. 

Too often we are hemmed in by other's expectations, others reactions to who we are. Strength is in being confident enough in yourself to be who you are without the approval from others. But when we pick a partner we want someone who loves us as we are. So can you love me, even the broken parts? 

There is no greater vengeance against sexual abuse, than to reclaim one's full sexuality.

"I touch you as I want to be touched, without the fear of being selfish, or being criticized. I touch you the way I want to touch you, I stay inside myself but I connect with you."

I want but I don't know how to make that happen. I don't want to be in charge, I don't want to seduce because I don't have confidence that I can successfully do that.

The transition from not hurting to enjoying. "While I desire closeness, there is another part of me that's like get the hell away from me. There are protective walls that are like, too much closeness, now you go over there." At any second the story can jinx.

It's too easy to flip. I ask you for this and when you give it to me, I'm back in a bad place (a place of trauma). Getting over the hurt can be done but the protective walls created to lessen the pain need to be dismantled. Re-educating or changing the way that I react to my wants (shame, guilt, forced) takes much more.

There is a war inside of my head: I want, I don't want, can I trust?

Do you need your partner to acknowledge/make amends for past shaming/condemnation/etc.?

Feels obligated to fulfill requests, even to the detriment of own pleasure. Doesn't take care of self, then loses interest in sex. 

Where does your sexuality start? Cuddling into sexual? Sexual from a place of mystery, anger?

Allow the child to feel the pain but don't allow the adult to feel the pleasure. Use a code/phrase to bring me back to the present, out of the trauma. 

Overall Lesson: It's not just about moving beyond the trauma, its also about re-educating the person to accept the good.